Now I am 27, and so I will…

• Stop saying “no worries” where it does not apply. Say “you’re welcome.” “No worries” makes me sound like a moron.
• Use the days: Wake up on time, wake up earlier on weekends, don’t waste so much time.
• Break the gmail-facebook-twitter-tumblr procrastination cycle when nothing is going on and do something like clean a drawer, Furminate the cats, put away dishes, read, or just go to bed on time.
• Never watch anything on E! except The Soup.
• “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.”
• Only date grownups.
• Minimize the shit-talking. A little.
• Sit and stand up straight. Posture posture posture!
• Not buy things I don’t need that aren’t Taylor Swift songs.
• Figure out where to do what on the Internet.

Those seem like pretty good ideas.

I got a little wrapped up in the election. It kind of ate my life. Some of you know how I felt–lying awake at night, worrying about having to move to Rio if your fellow electorate ate the mushy pudding and decided that it is better to be lied to and coddled than solve 21st century issues with 21st century solutions and be treated like grown ups.  Fortunately, enough of us decided to wear our big girl/boy pants, reject being pacified and fear-baited, and, you know, try something new.

So what do I lie awake at night thinking about now? Well. My cat still poops on the floor, so there’s that. Like most people, I’m broke, so there’s that. I have never been very good at keeping a tidy living space, but not having one drives me bonkers, so there’s that. But generally speaking, life is good.

So to borrow a page from Miss Branch, whose delightful and uplifting blog has floated into my Google Reader,  I’ve decided that here, on the brink of Thanksgiving, I should do some gratitudes. Some of them are New York gratitudes, some of them are boring, generic gratitudes, but generally speaking, I think you should know how much I love:

• facebook. (Hey, do not say I didn’t warn you about boring, generic). I am a sucker for keeping in touch and for sharing joys and dramas (see: blog). I think I can safely say, four and a half years into my facebook membership (yikes), that it is one of the things that keeps me sane. I can reach out and touch my friends. They can do the same for me. It’s weird and interblaggy and fake, but it’s great when you need to see all of your people, the ones you contact and care for in real life, too, in one place.  And it turns into something real for the rest of your “friends” when you run into one of them on the street who you maybe haven’t spoken to in a decade.  facebook makes it absolutely acceptable to say, “I saw that you’re engaged, congratulations!” or “by the way, I loved your halloween costume, those pictures were so funny!” because your facebook friendship is a two-way tube–you get to stalk, and so do your friends, and you both have the task of making it not awkward.  I love it.

• Asian people who speak Spanish.  A universal truth of New York restaurants.  I love love love it when Asian people speak Spanish.

• Tights. Specifically these tights, which are reversible, which makes them a) just the tiny tiniest bit warmer than normal tights and b) just the tiny tiniest bit sturdier than other tights. Which is to say, I had a pair for three years that I just finally gave up last month. Look into tights!

• This Beyonce Video. It is among the more amazing things I have seen in a long time. Some of my coworkers and I are a little too enthusiastically committed to learning the dance. It reminds me of the olden days when we had to learn hot moves from VHS tapes of live performances and/or MTV. Oh the YouTubes, what joys you have brought us.

• My Hilarious Roommates.
• Air popped popcorn. If you only eat popcorn from movie theaters and microwaves, I dare say you have not lived. I recommend this popper, some butter-flavored PAM (I know), a dash of salt and some shakes of good old Kraft parmesan cheese. And that concludes this installment of GOOP for Non-Millionaires.

• Oh, this guy. Old news. But I’m about to lose him to the West Coast for a few months so he can be a badass with these folks. So, you know, it’s worth reiterating. Also he lives in Manhattan now in a very cute (also very little) apartment, so that is also very exciting.

• The Target in Brooklyn. I spent an hour and a half there a few weekends ago and only spent about $11, all on things I could have bought elsewhere, but I just like being there.

So. Those are my gratitudes today and always.  Work is an end-of-year shitstorm of paperwork, proposals, events and other general money-raising chaos, so I’m glad I have these happies.  If I don’t check in before then (har har har), Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good turkey/tofurkey/turducken/whatever!

I’ve been M.I.A. of late because I have been following one of those Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten rules.  Come to think of it, I’ve been following the one most often neglected by bloggers: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

And it isn’t entirely true that I don’t have anything nice to say, but y’all know how I maybe tend to talk about myself a little too much?  I mean, just here and there, how I get a little TMI-happy?  Well in the interest of my own sanity, I took a tiny, tiny step back from that by not broadcasting my present insanities all over the Internet.  Don’t get me wrong, I talked it out.  I hugged it out.  I retail-therapied it out.  Lord knows I Gmail status messaged it out.  I just wasn’t into blogging.  Sorry, but not really.

Instead I have been playing with friends, exploring “The Reminder” WAAAAY too late in the game (hey Mom, run a Google image search for “Feist Reminder” and tell me her album cover is actually you, in shadow and profile, circa 1971–I have been meaning to tell you this for months. Do you get royalties for that?), watching some really bad TV, watching some really good TV, devouring Jezebel.com, falling in love with some serious ballet at work, having roommates, and slowly reading many books at once and a handful of magazines.

Here are some things I think are underrated:

1) Friday Night Lights. Have we talked about this? I think we have. My roommates and I comprise the bulk of their fanbase, but really. Connie Britton and Kyle Chandler act the pants off that show.

2) Dresses. Do y’all wear dresses? It is the greatest.

3) Bunnies. Other than the fact that I think everybody looks like a bunny, I have recently found that bunnies make excellent accessory prints. Thank YOU, LeSportSac.

4)  That Great Wall of Travel-Sized Toiletries at the Bed Bath & Beyond in Chelsea.  JJ found her paradise.

5) New Facebook Members. Both the future Mrs. and Mr. Krameador and Mr. L&U joined  this month.  They are facebook babies!  It is so cute.  They are totally confused.  All of the old folks are doing it!  If you are reading this and my brother, GET ON IT.

6) Things Regina Spektor wears in concert. Kara and I saw her in a gold sequined, belted dress. I want to be her. On the days I don’t want to be Liz Lemon.

7) Eyeliner. I’m still not good at it, but I like it.

That is where I stand right now. Or sit, really, as it is too late to stand. On Friday I am taking the Amtrak to Boston to visit DePalma with the Zang. Let’s hope the express train really only takes 3.5 hours.  I will take pictures. A good time will be had by all.

A third tech savvy person tried to teach me how to get RSS feeds (not HAVE one–I know my blog HAS one, because like three of you get that and tell me so, and I remember checking that box or whatever), but I am also kind of scared of them. But I do hate manually going all the places I go on the Internets to see what the Internets have to say today.

Anyway, I do not have time to solve this problem right now, nor do I know how. Maybe I should look into Twitter. Maybe I should leave my blog editing page open all day and just dump my Gchat messages in here as they come, which would really cause those of you getting my RSS feeds to be en fuego with updates, but they would not be long. Mostly they would be links to funny things and blurbs about dumb things I did today.

For instance, today’s Gchat status messages have been:

[something like] “dropped 16 oz. of iced coffee on the floor in a crowded train car this morning and was then told by a woman holding a copy of Eat Pray Love that it was a good sign, that I needed to be more aware today, in a good way. My calves are aware. Ow.”

[something about talk like a pirate day. yarrr.]

“perrrrfectly described: http://defamer.com/hollywood/defamer-nonexclusives/sex-and-the-city-the-first-photo-of-the-first-day-of-production-301482.php”

Anyway, I don’t know. What do you guys think?

For instance, you can still read about how awesome my procrastinatory skills were throughout college, but the photo you will see at the top of the screen will not be something I selected.  Like a row of green tents.  Or a dog’s butt.  The only deliberate graphic at present is the one you can see right now, the view of the Upper West Side from across the JKO Reservoir. 

Anyway, new things are coming. Stick around, and thanks for reading.

a

Here I am, rounding into my fourth (!) week in New York, and I haven’t made it out here to B-Spot to give the comprehensive, all-too-detailed overview of LIFE. When I see funny things, I try to remember them and/or write them down so I can post them here, but then I go back to my real and imagined lists and decide no, that is neither interesting nor funny, get distracted, and play facebook scrabble instead.

But not tonight! Tonight I do it, in modified list form. I am going to try to be somewhat chrono- and otherwise logical, but y’all know that isn’t always how things roll when things roll out of my head. So anyway, I give you…

The Non-conclusive Not Quite One Month Transitional Update
[ed note: this does not mean there will ever be a conclusive, nontransitional update; it merely reflects my living situation and other related Facts Of Life]
::ahem::
I have a summer cold, so the ::ahem:: is not to get your attention. I really am clearing my throat.
::ahem::

CURRENT APARTMENT: I live on the upper upper east side in the “guest room” of an apartment I am subletting from two hippies (a med school student and his wife) I have never met. My co-subletters (Tiffany, Brittany) have me them. Sweas and Noel have met one of them. I have not. This actually works to my imagination’s advantage, as the picture I build of them gets funnier and funnier with each passing discovery:
- No TV? Doable: I know hippies at this level, and there is internet.
- No nuker? Um, ok. I don’t know hippies at this level, but no big deal.
- No toaster oven? WHY? No, seriously, what statement does this make?
- Leftover pot brownies-and-pan in the oven two weeks after vacating? Riiight, brilliant.
- Vacuum cleaner full of hair? Gross! Did your mother teach you nothing?
- Ecofriendly soap? Does not clean dishes.
- Secret stash of disposable cups? LIARS.

I guess this adds up to a picture of two hairless, baked, smart people who eat a lot of cold food, or food that is unevenly heated in their scratched nonstick saucepan.

Anyway, them’s the real tenants. Tiffany lives here with me and heads off to her boyfriend’s place every now and then, between episodes of Sex and the City on DVD. Brittany I have not met, and she has never spent a night here, which means that somewhere, her boyfriend’s roommates really hate her. I’ll just leave it at that.

Obviously, I have two more roommates, furry ones, and they are vaguely insane as ever. Sleeping in a twin bed (standard, not XL, wow) does not stop Bear from needing to be rightnexttome all night, except for the parts where she stands up and YELLS AT ME. Lily cries for us to turn the sink on and keeps to herself in an I-hate-you-for-this way until she desperately needs to put her face on my face and then all sins are forgiven. I have tried explaining that we are moving again soon, but Tiffany just looks at me like I’m crazy. Related: I talk to my cats. I always thought I didn’t (at least, not beyond saying hello and goodbye on my way in and out of the apartment), but in the somewhat constant presence of other people, I have found that I do. This is pretty mortifying, as it adds water to the theory that I am a crazy old lady. And by theory, I mean cold, hard fact. Speaking of which, Tiffany recently explained some idiosyncrasy of her boyfriend’s by saying, “he’s older.” Which is to say, he is 24.

Also, I make coffee in the mornings. Because I have vowed not to spend any money at Starbucks. This provides the loophole through which I can acquire coffee other places in the mornings when I need to (usually after a hot commute at the place closest to my office on mornings I didn’t have any at home), but ensures that I do not spend $4 on it. $1.50 is way more reasonable. This is an exceedingly boring fact.

APARTMENT OF THE FUTURE: September 1!
Noel!
Reinhardt!
Self!
Financial district!
Big enough to throw parties in!
Stairs involved within apartment (what will the cats do?! They have never seen stairs (in my presence))!
Two bathrooms!
Close to subway!
Hilariously high ceilings!
Well-priced!

Needless to say, we are pleased: I, to have somewhere to go that isn’t this dorm room and to have actual room for all, and I mean all, of the things currently awaiting movers back in 60657; Reinhardt to not have to take a bus to get to the subway; Noel to have a real apartment that he can show people and enjoy being in! Hooray (is my favorite word to see written these days).

THINGS THAT HAVE MADE ME LAUGH IN THE PAST THREE WEEKS:
- Pam Hair. In her MySpace blog, Jenna Fischer, Emmy-nominated ::ahem:: star of The Office on NBC, once said that the only downside of going back to shoot new seasons of the office is Pam Hair. Pam Hair is notable for its dual nature, almost like a mullet: combed and sleek in the front, formless frizz in the back/bottom. You can see both sides of Pam Hair in this handy visual aid:

See how the “curls” differentiate from the front? It’s artwork. And let me tell you, it is big in the tourist community. I had no idea America loved Pam so much! In midtown Manhattan, where my office is and where many hotels and tourist attractions are located, Pam Hair is everywhere. So are unironic fanny packs, but Pam Hair is everywhere! I love it.

- Bad Boy Entertainment. Y’all, Diddy has a building. A building, with Bad Boy Entertainment on the awning! I had no idea! I laughed when I passed it. I can’t find a picture of it, but it’s there. We can walk by when you visit me.

- Karaoke. Holy crap, have you ever karaoke’d? Because I had not. Really, I had not–I had attended many events wherein others karaoke’d, I had sung along with just about everything in every conceivable public arena, but I kept my distance from actual karaoke. That was dumb. Apparently it is something MZ does every weekend, and it is something I, unsurprisingly, enjoy. You should hear me do “Rehab,” for serious. The downside of karaoke is that I sound like a hungover sorority girl for the following four to five days. It has been suggested that I capitalize on those days by working as an at-home phone sex operator at night, but I’m pretty sure I am going to pass on that. Anyway it is hard to not laugh when karaokeing, particularly when karaokeing something like “Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist” with your brother. Oh, how I’ll miss him.

- PROTECT THE GRID. This is what New Yorkers are supposed to do when it is really hot outside. The grid is the electrical grid. They want 8 million people to turn down their AC units when they can (and keep them at not QUITE so freezing temps when they can’t) and unplug their stuff and do other generally thoughtful, conserving things. I just get a kick out of the fact that it is called PROTECTING THE GRID, which makes me think that grid terrorists are out there and we must use our torches and pitchforks and link arms to PROTECT IT! I expressed this thought to my coworkers at our department meeting today and was generally met with stares of, “new girl is crazy but I like her dress.” On a related note, I work with all women and gay men, and it is great.

- Hot Pants. Hot Pants is a person. He is the star of the weekly dodgeball games that take place here. When I saw him, he was not actually wearing hot pants; he was wearing knee-length athletic shorts. This was disappointing. But just a few games in, he took them off, and to the delight of Reinhardt, self, Reinhardt’s straight male roommate and Reinhardt’s gay male coworker, was wearing this:

What a commitment to waxing! And tooth-bleaching! And dodgeball! Hours of entertainment and hilarity there, tell ya what. They were real short in the back.

- Flight of the Conchords. See it. Seriously.

- Blogs. Not mine. Others. They are really funny sometimes! One recently coined the word “Ruddaissance” regarding Paul Rudd. The Ruddaissance began with Wet Hot American Summer, did you know that? I cannot find this blog now, but maybe I will track it down in a few days.

- People watching. Y’all, it is 90+ degrees and hipsters are still wearing black knee socks with their keds. Do you know how hot and stinky those hipster feet must be? Scene is PAIN. Teenage tourists wear their MOST FASHIONABLE outfits to walk around midtown, and this has included UGGs. For serious. Yesterday there was a woman on the six wearing a clearly repurposed bridesmaid dress. To work. Light green satin.

MISCELLANY
- I am learning how to use Tessitura and WealthEngine. After 2+ years of telling people to use these things, it is somewhat surreal to be faced with them myself.
- Bumble & bumble is a terrifying place with glorious hair products. I am scared of them, but not of their normal hair curl creme.
- East-west blocks are always longer than you think they will be.
- Today I saw a woman with a scrunchy on her wrist on the subway. It matched her dress. She did not seem like a tourist.
- for Megan: when it rains, everyone wears galoshes. I am so glad they made it.
- I went to the planetarium with Levin! It is still great. It would have been better if the corned beef sandwiches we got afterwards hadn’t averaged out to $18 each. I ate the leftover corned beef for four days.
- I have mentioned facebook scrabble already. I will mention it again. It is my saving grace in these days without teevee, even though I suck at it.
- Weeds and Big Love on DVD = also my saving grace.
- Not my saving grace but related: I listen to a lot of talk radio now (while getting dressed, while falling asleep), and I hate it (sorry Mom, MZ, various and sundry family members who talk about talk radio too much). But I do always know which baseball teams won, and I know what delusional yankee conservatives sound like now! Educational all around.

AND FINALLY
The transitional phase goes into its final throes on August 23, when I come back to Chicago to play with visiting and staying friends and to move out of the ol’ 535 on Saturday morning. Odds are high that I will cry. Odds are equally high, however, that the weekend will be awesome. So if you are one of those broke-ass punks who I will never see again because you will never buy a plane ticket to New York Austin Bainard Harvey, I’d best see you that weekend.

I’ve said it a’fore and I’ll say it again: Someday some sense of normalcy will return and blog posts will be less informative and more… dorkness-as-usual. Until then, just the facts, kids.

I have been gone a while. Some funny things have happened, some boring things have happened. Mostly what has happened was me getting a job at this place, which is not in this city, so I am moving to New York. Tomorrow. With the cats. If you do not know this by now, clearly you stumbled onto this blog by mistake. On Monday morning, the cats and I move into a summer sublet with some girls named Tiffany & Brittany, and in six weeks, I’ll come back to Chicago to meet some nice movers who will bring my things to a slightly more permanent home, a Three’s Company lovenest with Miss Reinhardt and actor and improv master Winston Noel. (I just did that so when he Googles himself he’ll find it. Well heeeey!)

Anyway, here is what will likely happen: Once I get settled later this week I will write a long email and/or blog post about my AWESOMELY EXCITING NEW LIFE in which I work for a nonprofit and live in a closet, letting Time Out New York’s The Cheap Issue dictate all of my purchases.

So that is that. I am very excited and more than a little nervous. Traveling with the cats tomorrow will be an adventure of its own. But you know, one step at a time. The things that are the hardest are the things worth doing. Insert cliche here.

See you in Eastern time…

In short, I did some anonymizing, and this has caused some peoples’ RSS feeds and blog update whatevers to go a little bonkers. For this I apologize. I know it is confusing. But nothing even remotely dramatic has happened in my life of late, so: if you read a screaming IM conversation and thought it was recently, it wasn’t. It was four years ago. I’m not at home with the padres, either.

Sorry for the confusion. Now, time to install my TiSP!

So behold! A newer, classier format.

Note: This does not impact post quality. Those may still be entirely without class:

i’m sticking to it this time.

i’m not holding myself to media reviews (thanks, RT, it was fun for those, what, two months?) and i’m not holding myself to highly personal factoids (my new mantra might just be, “tmi… tmi…”). basically the only thing i’m holding myself to is my boyfriend (tmi… tmi…), and i hereby resolve to write write write on this stupid stupid page with increased, increasing and increasable (?) regularity. kathleen and i will be participating in the blogosphere (see “Words I Hate,” Vol 3 Sect. IV) equivalent of a challenge grant–that is, a friendly, “HAVE YOU BLOGGED TODAY, HO?” exchange on top of our usual series of electronically communicated grunts and nonsense words. i think there’s an old post consisting entirely of said form of communication. check it out! consider it homework!

finally, i’d like to note that i have promised myself i would do this, oh, maybe 900 times in the past. but for serious. i’m in. you in?